A Viral Post…

VirusDear Readers,

Sadly, certain parties within this house of matrimony have deemed my upcoming password-protected post unfit for human eyes. The last time this happened it was politics; this time the subject matter is apparently so explicit my spouse is worried that all my blog followers will go blind.

I write you this letter of apology from inside the gauzy  haze of an enormous marijuana cloud. The stomach virus has hit our happy home once again. This time, instead of going for the Pepto (which generally serves the same function as Epicac) I scraped the back of the freezer for my stash.  Who cares if it’s something someone handed me in the back of a van in 1986? It must be working because the following list feels terribly funny.

Events of the Week

1.  A friend came over and cleaned my entire house. I was grateful, but horrified. She told me it was fine, but if the twins loved pistachios so much, I should buy them unshelled.

2. A putrid aroma wafted up the basement steps and into the kitchen about two hours before I was expecting dinner guests. It was quickly determined that the nature of the smell was septic. Lynn went down to investigate and announced that many of my favorite books and the Bose Surround System (six speakers) were floating in a few inches of raw sewage.

3. The plumbing estimate for snaking a line to the street came in at just under two-thousand dollars. Puff Puff. Hahahaha.

4. Yesterday while making dinner, the girls went into the living room, presumably to stack blocks or stick things to the wall. I checked on them after a few moments. They were naked and walking around in their fecal matter. It was on their hands, too.

5. Do you notice there is an excremental theme running through this post?

I wonder if the whole family might not have gotten the stomach virus if Lynn hadn’t spent 2 hours sucking up horrible things with the shop vac.  Scary bits were fastened to her sweater when she came upstairs to take a shower. Sorry if this post is giving you the dry heaves. As for me, I have the munchies.

I should also mention that while Lynn and I lay moaning on the sofa, the girls knocked over a jar containing a thousand Lego pieces, a few of which I’m pretty sure they ate. Those things really hurt when you step on them in bare feet, too. The girls also spilled an old cup of coffee on the sofa and then pulled down a two-gallon box of water from the kitchen counter. The plastic split and there was an actual tidal wave in our kitchen. You should have seen the cat’s expression when that happened.

Lastly, the twins managed to polish off quite a bit of dog food before I could stop them. I can’t say this was the first time they delighted in this snack.  I ate a few nuggets myself, just in case they are poisonous to humans.

All in all, I’m feeling pretty good.  Think I might go eat a hundred cookies now. Do check back in a day or two for the password-protected post. I’m  reworking it with the hopes that with each new revision, another life will be saved.

Thank you for your patience, dear readers.  I apologize if I seem incoherent.

ABZ

 

p.s. By the way, I am thrilled to announce that Yahoo Shine featured my post, My Husband Has No Penis, on their website today.  The title is slightly different, and there’s an embarrassing photo of me with one of the girls right after she threw yogurt onto my sunglasses, but I’m happy nonetheless. It’s a big step to get published on Yahoo. Please take a moment to share or email the essay if you like what you read. I would be so grateful.

Comments

  1. Damn! No password protected post!

  2. My sister Ellen used to sit on the kitchen floor with her arm burried in a big bag of Friskies–she loved their crunchy meaty salty goodness. And her hair has had a shiny bounce ever since.

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